Spaces between places and random thoughts within

Nabeehah rambles on

A lot has happened since my last publication. I’ve been more occupied thinking without actually processing a lot of things. I have been thinking a lot without writing and consequently, have been on the brink of breakdowns more often than usual. If you’re familiar with my writing, you’d know I’ve tried to describe my writing and fit it into at least a few boxes, but it’s seemingly too inexplicable for boxes.

As usual, when I’m unable to write, I keep brainstorming things that would get me inspired. Usually, I read a poetry anthology, and it gets me going. I love reading anthologies so, when I tried to read for inspiration in the past few weeks and got zilch, I just felt so tired. It has taken me about 25 minutes to come up with the two paragraphs you’ve just read, but I’m going to keep writing about anything.

Not too long ago, I spoke to a friend about how feelings stay with us. How happiness is always best felt in the moment and sadness isn’t. There’s something about how sadness grows quietly. It isn’t always loud and in your face, but the intensity of how we feel it, doesn’t have a steady declination pattern. Happiness on the other hand, doesn’t stay with you as strongly as sadness does. It might stay with you longer, because our subconscious prefers a happy memory (who doesn’t?) to sad ones. At this point, I am writing my thoughts as they come and might not be articulating this thought properly, but this is the best way I could explain it.

Building on the title, I want to talk about the time it takes to not necessarily achieve the things we want to, but to transition. Transitioning has kind of become a popular theme in our lives, and a lot of people talk about changes only when they have been achieved. This is expected as results are the final products of processes, but in a newly discovered and embraced spirit of being different, I will talk about the time before celebrations and heartbreaks; as I would put it, a phase of not feeling completely.

Before a potentially celebratory event, there’s room for unexpected negative outcomes, which I tend to dwell on a lot and it is nerve-wracking. I alternate between anxiety and excitement and feel a partial happiness accompanied by fear. To put this in perspective, my final year in the university year was the most tiring and energy-draining year for me in terms of academics. It’s especially absolutely insane how scared shitless I was waiting to see my first semester result. I was terrified. However, there were also times in between when I would imagine getting an awesome result and be happy for 5-10 seconds before the fear set in again. I was scared mostly because I was convinced I simply didn’t know well enough in some courses to write exams. I did a lot of rushed reading which is a norm for me, but this time, it came with a strong lack of confidence in myself. In retrospect, it’s funny how worried I was. It was weirdly the most worried I have been about my results and one of the best results I had in university.

I have written about heartbreak before, so a copy and paste will have to do (The creative juices are drying up):

This is what heartbreak feels like

Heartbreak is a cycle until you break out of it.

-I feel a paralyzing numbness from the tip of my fingers to the very end of my toes and I’m in complete denial. I begin to acknowledge the denial, but I wish I were still in denial. My stomach feels empty and it’s almost like I puked my insides out. Nausea overtakes me and I begin to dry heave until something heavy drops in the pit of my stomach. I begin to feel weighed down by an acceptance. Half of my brain begins to process and the other half restrains it. I feel the tears wanting to pool in my eyes but a painful dryness is all there is. This is how best I can explain wanting to cry to relieve a pain your brain hasn’t fully accepted yet. The oxygen I attempt to take into my lungs does not quite reach. This makes me feel like I’m in an airtight room experiencing an asthmatic attack. I find myself on the brink of collapsing and it only occurs to me that this isn’t a trust fall when I hit the ground. I suddenly find myself knocked back to reality. This isn’t a nightmare. This is real. This pain is not a drill from a tragedy movie. The fear that I feel isn’t from a horror show. Suddenly, there’s too much going on all at once in my head. My heart begins to race and I’m convinced it’s somehow trying to run away from this body that contains it. My eyes fill with tears that fall down my cheeks of their own accord. The stream seems unending and I’m only glad there’s no one else in this room with me. So, I cry and cry and cry until the numbness returns. I feel a paralyzing numbness from the tip of my fingers to the very end of my toes-

Heartbreak is a rushed cycle of events you have no control over until you break out of it.

Moving on, let’s talk life updates. I think the most significant personal events in my life since I last wrote are my graduation and turning twenty-one. So far, turning twenty-one doesn’t feel different yet. I mean, it’s just been two days so that’s expected. However, graduating has been such a feel good experience. It has contributed so significantly to how happy and content I feel outside of the writing and reading realm of my existence. I have been really happy of recent, Alhamdullilah.

Finally, I want to use this medium to provide some enlightenment for you guys regarding the recent escalation in the colonial occupation of Palestine, because it would be unfair to a degree and really uncomfortable for me not to say anything about it. I grew up passively watching and learning about the occupation in Palestine and it’s so heartbreaking that at this stage it has gotten so much worse. I hope this serves as a wake-up call or a reminder to spread more awareness and make more informed decisions concerning the situations in all occupied and oppressed territories including but not limited to Palestine, Congo and Sudan. Please don’t forget them and continue to keep them in your prayers.

A word for today is Tsundoku. It’s a Japanese word that means the habit of piling up unread books.

I hope you enjoyed reading this.

Here’s to more letters, poetry musings and random ramblings.