On time

...and it's inability to stand still

The only reason why I’m writing this newsletter is because I’ve had a really hard time writing since my last publication. I have talked about my growing fear of losing the ability to write poetry because it’s been quite some time since I’ve written a piece I was really proud of. All of my writing seems weirdly subpar every time I go back to reread them. I believe the more one writes, the better one gets at it. In trying to preserve my ability to write, I’ve been trying to write more frequently of recent and I always feel stumped at some point.

I’ve attempted writing poetry at least three times in the past 5-7 days. I’ll feel really inspired and every time this happens, I think “This is it! The breakthrough I’ve been waiting for.” The instant I begin to write, I barely get two lines down before the dancing words in my head go to sleep. I don’t know if I can describe this as a writer’s block because I’ve written a few things in the time since this started, but everything feels inferior to what I’d expected them to be at the onset.

Any who, there are quite a number of things I’ve wanted to write about. How time feels too fast for me to keep up with, how hard it is to be part of a community, my inability to properly process and accept rejections, and this phase of life feeling like limbo. I thought of making individual publications but like I said, writing is a tough sport so, I’m just going to go with the flow.

I wish life could slowdown. I can’t process how fast time is moving. It feels like I’m having an out of body experience on some days. How are there 4 months left in 2023? Wasn’t it yesterday the babies’ turned 13 and me 20? Weren’t they in junior school just months back? Let me explain in the best way I can, what it’s like to watch your siblings grow. It’s like reading a 300-page book about a lifetime of experiences or watching a 2-hour movie depicting someone’s life story. I have strangely vivid memories of the moment we were told my mum had given birth to twins and the day they were named (on which I began my sisterly duties by bottle feeding one of them hot formula), the day they expressed an independent opinion crying about two beautiful dresses they no longer liked (nothing anyone said mattered. The dresses were ugly from their individual perspectives), my mum reading them “puff, puff, chug, chug, I think I can, I think I can” from that blue book about the train that could, their initially exciting first day at school which ended in tears when the school bus arrived, our “coozy” cuddling sessions before bed and so many more.

Watching them grow is such a surreal experience. They now have their own circle of friends and are going to be in SS2 in a few weeks. They are no longer as inquisitive about everything as little kids always are. They are scarily fascinated with the world of football and call us schmucks for fun. My babies are no longer babies and as exciting as it is, it’s also kind of saddening that time is moving so fast and although in smaller and somewhat safer bubbles, they are beginning to explore this big scary world and have their own experiences.

In a not so surreal reality, I’ll be done with university in a little over a month’s time and now that this stage of my life is finally coming to an almost scary end, it feels like a rug is being pulled from beneath me. I’ve gotten accustomed to the dynamics of school life and will very soon be thrown the wolves of proper adult-ing life. Lol, I can’t believe the past 7 years has been building up to this jump off a cliff end.

Last week was a friend’s birthday and it reminded me of the fact that I’ll be turning 21 soon. Me. Big 21. What the hell gave us the impression that growing older would be exciting? I have a presumption that no matter how people explain it to me or how much I try to “prepare” myself for life outside school, it’ll still be surprisingly harder than I thought. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic, maybe not.

Ending this publication on a lighter tone, a few days ago, someone called me a Post UTME student. I was so shocked but it was so funny.

A random quote: “It’s an addicting feeling, knowing I’m in the middle of meeting a person I’ll get to hang on to”.

A word for today is Fademaily. It is the disappointment one feels when expecting a message from someone important, and gets a new text thinking it’s from said person, but it isn’t. Sadly, I know this feeling too well.

I hope you enjoyed reading this newsletter.

Here’s to more letters, poetry musings and random ramblings.

N.